Tag: living

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A Little Bit of Lena

Today I’m wearing a little bit of my grandmother with me.

I like to wear a green necklace that belonged to her. A few days ago I cleaned out a small cloth purse and put the contents on my bed, which included jewelry from my grandmother.

Days after her death my family began the incredibly difficult task of going through her belongings and preparing for her funeral. I started opening her dresser drawers, and looking for things, what I didn’t know exactly, but I wanted to find something that was hers, something to make her feel and be closer to me even though she was so very far away.

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I found priceless photos of me, my cousins, our mothers and our family. Photos from when we grandchildren were toddlers, little kids and teenagers. Pictures she kept and placed in safe places, pictures of her “Brount” (Brian), her “Mella” (me) and her “Jacob” (Jason). We were her babies, her heart, her promise of better years, deeper dreams and greater chances, these grandchildren of hers who would become something just simply AMAZING.

This green necklace belonged to her. To my Lena. I’ve worn it three times since she passed away. Once at Thanksgiving right after her death, once some months later and today. Wearing it makes me feel closer to her. And of course, I just love the color green.

A dear friend told me once that you can tell when the pain of losing a loved one to death doesn’t have the same grip of loss on you. It happens when you can look at their picture now and smile instead of crying. I feel that way about this green necklace. Remembering Lena still.

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Finding Me Truth #4 : I Want To Win

The excitement and joy of living in relationship with God is the gift of believing in him.

Being in relationship with him. Trusting him. Hoping in him. Having confidence in him. Knowing that he has made me, he loves me and he has my back no matter what.

If I try to foolishly and feebly control, run and bulldoze over him to run my life I always lose.

I lose the joy of seeing him meet my needs in his timing, in his way.

I lose the joy of sharing those moments of dependence with him.

I lose the excitement in beautifully believing in him.

I lose relationship with him.

I lose.

I don’t want to lose. I want to win. With God.

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Self Realization

There are moments when you look at your body in the mirror and you say:

Hey, I look different.

It’s a moment when your head self connects with your eye self and everything changes. Something happens inside your soul and you recognize:

This is who I am and I am grateful for the me I am.

I am grateful for the me I am becoming.

I am grateful for the me I used to be, because she taught me things I needed to know, I needed to learn so I could grow. 

Two weeks ago such a moment happened to me. Got dressed for work and decided to put on a new top and some basic black capris pants and get things moving. Clothes fit great. My natural hair was on fleek. I felt really good. I happened to glance in the mirror as I tied my shirt and I saw someone I knew and thought was really beautiful: Me.

 

I knew in my gut this was a moment to capture in a photo because I needed to see myself the way I truly was, not how I thought I was or who I thought I looked like in my mind. I’m engaged in a fitness and health journey that’s now six years in the making and over that time I’ve seen my body change, get stronger, and get leaner. But sometimes I still see the girl who was very much overweight and unhealthy. Photos gently remind me that girl isn’t here anymore.

I pulled out my phone, snapped a shot and did what all social media enthusiasts do: I posted it on my Instagram, Twitter and Facebook accounts. Stellar social media woman I am.

In life we have the gift of living as our true authentic and beautiful selves. Living means we show up to our lives and we commit to being in them all the way.

Being true means we see the beauty in us and the deficits. We choose to grow and pursue healing and freedom so we can get the most mileage out of these bodies, these gifts and these snazzy personalities that have intentionally been placed in us.

Being authentic means we don’t hide. We don’t hide from who we are. We don’t hide from who we used to be. We choose to be real over being fake and we choose to live instead of almost living. We invite people into the gift of who we are authentically, intentionally and honestly so that incredible friendships and relationships can blossom out of us.

Being beautiful means we see ourselves for ourselves. Who we are right now, this minute, right here. Beauty isn’t perfection or the lack a little jiggle here and there. Beauty starts in the innermost, deepest parts of who we are and infiltrates out through our eyes, smiles, laughter, voices, personalities and so much more until the inner weaves itself indelibly to the outer.

The world often says the outer parts of people are beautiful. I believe that outer starts with the inner. That’s where the true roots for beauty lie, in the soul.

How do you see yourself?

How do you feel about living authentically?

What’s in your soul? Does beauty have a home there? 

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Finding Me Truth #3: The Beauty of Loss

The beauty of loss is that you don’t go back to who you are but you do become a whole new you.

Loss changed me, it made me much more different than the woman I used to be.

I have an keener ear to the pulse and language of the world now than I did before.

Loss has made me more relaxed in some areas of life, more comfortable with myself; in others I’m still a hot mess and as my girl Bri would say “the struggle is real.”

I know what a deep wound to the soul is. I also know what healing feels like from the heart of God hand fashioned for me.

I understand what joy beyond my sorrow can look like. I’ve lived this and I’m still in it.

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Finding Melodie

We are inclined to search for things that we lose. I feel I’ve lost parts of me – maybe even all of me – in the waves of unique losses and deep pain that etched themselves into the fabric of my soul during 2013.

Deadened emotions and numb feelings place their victory flags in the fertile ground of the heart. Fragile flesh and bone try their best to cope with the shock of intense things: deaths of loved ones, physical traumas, sickness and illness, damaged relationships, wrestling in theology and wondering is God really good.

Unspoken questions linger like musty cigar smoke, pungent in the soul, sticking to you:

Why is life so hard?

Did that really have to happen?

To me?

Where is God in all of this hell?

Real questions. True questions. Human questions. A non-stop march of change continues upon the calendars we make for lives, calendars that really should be written out in pencil and not pen. Something is always erasing what we thought would be what we wanted with those we chose to do them with.

The presence of pain continues to ebb and flow in and out of our lives.

Philip Yancey says that pain is a gift from God. In his book “Where Is God When It Hurts?” he writes: The pain network (in the body) deserves far more than token acknowledgement. It bears the mark of creative genius.”

I agree with him. Pain tells me that something is wrong, something is not right and I need to be fully aware in this moment about this pain. Pain can come physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and relationally. The pain alerts me to pay attention to ME. It whispers in my body as it stings its gift of awareness, “Melody you are hurt. You are bleeding. You are broken. You are burned. You are wounded. Listen to me. Listen to ME.”

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Writers need new spaces for their words.

One way that I embrace this awareness of my pain is by writing. I’m creating a new space for my words in this world through this new blog, Finding Melodie. In this place I will explore and converse with you on themes that include losing, grieving, mourning, loving and living.

I’ll unpack these themes via weekly blog posts. As I pull out my feelings in these experiences I pray for authenticity and vulnerability with you, my readers.

I am on a journey that’s years in the making. A new chapter is being written for me and about me. The gift of my words changing me will be beautiful to witness. The gift of them changing you will be a sweet honor that I welcome with anticipation. Buckle up for the ride. Let’s get ready to find some melodies and hopefully, a bit more of ourselves.