We are inclined to search for things that we lose. I feel I’ve lost parts of me – maybe even all of me – in the waves of unique losses and deep pain that etched themselves into the fabric of my soul during 2013.
Deadened emotions and numb feelings place their victory flags in the fertile ground of the heart. Fragile flesh and bone try their best to cope with the shock of intense things: deaths of loved ones, physical traumas, sickness and illness, damaged relationships, wrestling in theology and wondering is God really good.
Unspoken questions linger like musty cigar smoke, pungent in the soul, sticking to you:
Why is life so hard?
Did that really have to happen?
To me?
Where is God in all of this hell?
Real questions. True questions. Human questions. A non-stop march of change continues upon the calendars we make for lives, calendars that really should be written out in pencil and not pen. Something is always erasing what we thought would be what we wanted with those we chose to do them with.
The presence of pain continues to ebb and flow in and out of our lives.
Philip Yancey says that pain is a gift from God. In his book “Where Is God When It Hurts?” he writes: The pain network (in the body) deserves far more than token acknowledgement. It bears the mark of creative genius.”
I agree with him. Pain tells me that something is wrong, something is not right and I need to be fully aware in this moment about this pain. Pain can come physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and relationally. The pain alerts me to pay attention to ME. It whispers in my body as it stings its gift of awareness, “Melody you are hurt. You are bleeding. You are broken. You are burned. You are wounded. Listen to me. Listen to ME.”
One way that I embrace this awareness of my pain is by writing. I’m creating a new space for my words in this world through this new blog, Finding Melodie. In this place I will explore and converse with you on themes that include losing, grieving, mourning, loving and living.
I’ll unpack these themes via weekly blog posts. As I pull out my feelings in these experiences I pray for authenticity and vulnerability with you, my readers.
I am on a journey that’s years in the making. A new chapter is being written for me and about me. The gift of my words changing me will be beautiful to witness. The gift of them changing you will be a sweet honor that I welcome with anticipation. Buckle up for the ride. Let’s get ready to find some melodies and hopefully, a bit more of ourselves.