"Losing. Grieving. Mourning. Loving. Living."
Amazing how years after a loss, the grief can still be so debilitating & quite unexpected.
Reflecting and grateful for the pain.
It means I have loved.
“Grief is love’s souvenir. It’s our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price.” ― Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior: A Memoir
“I don’t think it ever occurred to me before how much and how often women are praised for displaying traits that basically render them invisible. When I really think about it, I realize the culprit is the language generally used to praise women. Especially mothers.
She sacrificed everything for her children…She never thought about herself…She gave up everything for us…She worked tirelessly to make sure we had what we needed. She stood in the shadows, she was the wind beneath our wings.
Greeting card companies are built on that idea.
Tell her how much all the little things she does all year long that seem to go unnoticed really mean to you.
With a $2.59 card.
Mother’s Day is built on that idea.
This is good, we’re told. It’s good how Mom diminishes and martyrs herself. The message is: mothers, you are such wonderful and good people because you make yourselves smaller, because you deny your own needs, because you toil tirelessly in the shadows and no one ever thanks or notices you…this all makes you AMAZING.
Yuck.
What the hell kind of message is that?
Would ANYONE praise a man for this?
Those are not behaviors anyone would hope to instill in their daughters, right?
Right?
I’m not saying MOTHERHOOD shouldn’t be praised. Motherhood should be praised. Motherhood is wonderful. I’m doing it. I think it’s great.
There are all kinds of ways and reasons that mothers can and should be praised. But for cultivating a sense of invisibility, martyrdom and tirelessly working unnoticed and unsung? Those are not reasons.
There are all kinds of ways and reasons that mothers can and should be praised. But for cultivating a sense of invisibility, martyrdom and tirelessly working unnoticed and unsung? Those are not reasons.
Praising women for standing in the shadows?
Wrong.
Where is the greeting card that praises the kinds of mothers I know? Or better yet, the kind of mother I was raised by?
I need a card that says: Happy Mother’s Day to the mom who taught me to be strong, to be powerful, to be independent, to be competitive, to be fiercely myself and fight for what I want.
Or Happy Birthday to a mother who taught me to argue when necessary, to raise my voice for my beliefs, to not back down when I know I am right.
Or, Mom, thanks for teach me to kick a** and take names at work. Get well soon.
Or simply Thank you Mom, for teaching me how to make money and feel good about doing it. Merry Christmas.
Where are the greeting cards for the kind of mother I try to be? For the kind of mother I need my kids to see? For the kind of mother I want my daughters to one day be?
And if there is no greeting card, what is there?
There is me.
I have to be my own greeting card. And to do that, I have to at least be able to take a compliment.” – Shonda Rhimes, “Year of Yes.”
I would like to take this beautiful moment in time to honor my mama Gloria, who’s taught me to kick butt and take names in all aspects of my life:
Find your inner warrior: “Life may get you down Mel, but it never has to get you out.”
Dealing with challenging humans: “Who she THINK she IS? She ain’t no betta than you.”
Maintaining better health: “Did you take a cod liver oil pill? I keep telling you to do this.”
Being aware of one’s surroundings: “Mel, secure your pocketbook, lock your doors!”
Perspectives on social media: “I think I may want to get on Spacebook.” (Um, it’s Facebook woman).
Mama, I honor you on the day you entered this world and celebrate your birthday with many who love and thank God for you. You are a jewel – a hilarious, sometimes crazy, but always brilliant one! Happy birthday to the woman who’s been a real-life greeting card in my life, showing me what womanhood, personal excellence, and #blackgirlmagic looked like before that hashtag even came to be.
I love you mama.
You are my #1 she-roe.
Always your girl,
Melody Latrice
My meltdown was epic. I fell to pieces. I lost control of my emotions. And I knew what I needed most was to share my anguish and pained heart with trusted women. I prayed they would give me new perspective wrapped in love and seasoned with hope.
Earlier that day I met with a good friend to catch up on what I thought would be some“sistergirl” time: hang out, laugh about life and share how we were growing in our singleness. In sweet, beautiful giddiness, she shared the unexpected news that a handsome, God-fearing guy recently communicated his interest towards her. He wanted to pursue a relationship. His intentions were very clear.
I smiled with joy for her and expressed my happiness and excitement, but inside it felt like a grenade went off in my heart. She was on the cusp of something I deeply wanted for myself – intentional, affirming pursuit from a good man – but didn’t have. And it felt worse than bad.
Hence, my epic meltdown. As I drove home, tears spilled from my eyes as I felt overwhelmed. I entered my living room, sat on my sofa and let the quiet fill my ears. Then I reached for my phone and sent an SOS text to women I trusted, sharing my ache in raw honesty.
Then I reached for my phone and sent an SOS text to women I trusted, sharing my ache in raw honesty.
Several replied back, encouraging me:
“I have been praying for you for almost every day for the last 2 weeks…I’m also looking expectantly for that someone in your life…May God speak to you in a special way today – He knows your most intimate thoughts and desires, He has not forgotten.”
“Your friend’s news is so hard to hear Melody…on one hand, you are and want to be excited for her. On the other, it underlines your own longings. I am glad you reached out for prayer.”
“The wait is hard, I remember it well and I’m sure you’ve heard it before but what helped get me through was remembering that I wanted to be married to the right person and not just married and that God’s timing is always better…”
This tribe of she-roes poured life into me when I was tangled in my questions of what was wrong with me and why wasn’t I being picked.
This tribe of she-roes poured life into me when I was tangled in my questions of what was wrong with me and why wasn’t I being picked.
A set of words from one of them grabbed my attention in a powerful way:
“It is indeed tough at times. I know you are holding on to what is true and doesn’t always soothe the feelings…You need truth in remembering you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God’s purposeful in revealing His plan for you and the man who fits perfectly for you…May I offer some truth to enter your heart and preserve you for now? You are a treasure.”
The words came from my friend Kimberly Moore. We met in 2006 during a work event planning a national conference and would serve together over the next four years. She served as my supervisor and we became good friends through the process. She’s 18 years older than me and she’s become my sister, friend, mentor and confidant over the past decade.
We spoke by phone a couple of days following my text and she challenged me with a new set of words, beckoning me more into womanhood. She wanted me to see myself for the woman I was in that moment and the woman I needed to become.
There were times in my twenties and early thirties where I felt God hid me away from the fast track of dating. I felt sheltered and unseen. I wasn’t dating because I felt God wasn’t giving me good opportunities to date. But Kimberly wanted to call me to action, to a place of no longer tucking myself away either. Yes, trusting God’s timing for a good relationship was good. But putting all of the responsibility on him for that relationship was not good. This is my life and that includes my dating life as well.
Yes, trusting God’s timing for a good relationship was good. But putting all of the responsibility on him for that relationship was not good. This is my life and that includes my dating life as well.
She helped me see that perhaps I was hiding myself from eligible gentleman and didn’t even know it. She challenged me to be inviting, engaging, present and interesting when my path crossed the paths of single men who portrayed qualities I was looking for and wanted to connect with. She invited me to a new place in my adulthood where I needed to own my femininity and express the beauty it contained.
Her challenge of sharpening during my 32nd year laid the groundwork for some exciting, memorable and hilarious adventures into my dating life over the last five years. I’m not hidden anymore. I see myself more fully now and I’m wiser too. I’ve discovered my value doesn’t come from being in a relationship; it comes from knowing I’m significant and incredible before the relationship even appears. I’ve also embraced the gift of single living, loving the freedoms that come with it and stewarding this season well.
You need truth in remembering you are fearfully and wonderfully made…
God’s purposeful in revealing His plan for you and the man who fits perfectly for you…
May I offer some truth to enter your heart and preserve you for now? You are a treasure.
Kimberly’s words gave me life then and continue to do so now. Our sisterhood sharpens and deeply blesses me.
Guest blog post titled “Sisterhood of Sharpening” feature debut in the The Sisterhood Storytelling Series by The Beautiful Project, summer 2016.
If women over 40 are considered cougars for dating men who are younger, I think men who are over 40, and definitely those 50 and 60 year old ones who date women who are like 18 years old, them dudes ought to be called pumas.
*Clarification: My friend Rob says men who are over 40 who date 18 year old girls are actually called perverts.
Well there you have it. Happy Monday good people!
Sometimes relationships end because they were unhealthy and at some point you became healthy and you changed.
The change meant the dysfunction you brought to the table was now replaced by better thinking, healthier interactions, and a more grounded you.
When you’re unhealthy you can live in dysfunctional relationships and friendships with other people. But when you become healthy and you find those relationships don’t progress with you it just might be they were never meant to.
Some things are seasonal. Berries. Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks. And connections with some that can’t move forward into your future.
You’re different. Healthy. Better. They could be different. Healthy. Better too. And maybe independent of each other you realize what held you together in past days is gone, diffused and unneeded, because you both are very different people now.
And if you try to go back to the nostalgia, to the memories of what used to be because yeah, maybe those were great days full of great laughter, and you hope the memories of the past can hold together the rupturing realities of your present, don’t do it.
Let it go. Let that person go. Let it go.
It will be a tough road but it will also be incredibly freeing. There’s a rest and peace that comes with letting people go.
Sometimes you just “got to leave the party.”
I’m learning that leaving doesn’t mean I’m not a good friend and I don’t love well. Leaving keeps my heart healthy and ready for new seasons and new relationships.
Now when I let go of fading relationships, I’m finding more truth by reviewing if dysfunction was present at some point. If I was unhealthy in those relationships at some point. I’ve done this recently and the observations were stunning.
Was dysfunction present? Yes.
Did I see it then? No.
What changed? I became healthy in various areas of my life.
What happened to the dysfunction? I grew into wellness and as a result, created a shift in these relationships.
Was it easy to let go? It’s never easy to let go when you bond with someone. But I’m learning letting go makes space for better things to begin in my world.
Be grateful for the relationships that you have to let go. Think about how they changed you for the better and allowed you to become more of the you that you are today.