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Changes

I have friends that have families.
I have friends that have babies.
I have friends that have husbands.
I have friends that at times I don’t feel I have much in common with anymore.

Changes…hmm, they are hard to deal with.

I feel sometimes their lives are moving fast, too fast beyond mine.
I want to compare but you know who always loses out when you do that: YOU.
I want to catch up, but that is hard to do without a husband and babies of my own.

I feel left out. And yet, I also feel very comfortable and secure in where my life is right now.

Secure in this chapter of my singleness.
Secure in my freedom.
Secure in my choices.
Secure in my time.
Secure in my space.
Secure in my creativity.
Secure in my spontaneity.
Secure in my responsibilities.
Secure in my peace.
Secure in my hope.
Secure in my passions.
Secure in being secure that when the time is right the next chapter in my life will begin.

But right now, I ain’t in the season some of my friends are in.

And that season is a hard one for them at times.

I see them from a distance.
I see the joy, but also the sacrifice, the smiles, but also the fatigue.
The putting others first before yourself, the tension of capacity versus assignment.
The wearied eyes, and sleepless nights, the nursing, the poo-poo diapers, the home cooked meals, the Mt. Kilimanjaro peaks of laundry piles, the coupon-clipping, the hot dog boiling, the string-cheese buying, the Cheerio snack cups, the family vans, the sippy cups, children’s movies, the intentional discipling of little hearts, the purposeful lovemaking, the availability for the searching and longing arms and hands and bodies of husbands that need you, the search for quiet space to have personal God-moments, sweet devotionals, five minute solitude in a world of busyness and needs and wants and pulls all from you toward others that require your presence and action in their lives.

I realize their season is a calling and it is timely and God knows when one is ready for such a commitment, such a sacrifice, such a role of a lifetime.

I think about the fact that I can’t share in their season of life with a similar season of life in my own world right now. A little twinge of envy rises up on occasion. It feels limiting to to not have a shared experience with them.

But my heart warms when I think of the single sisters I’m blessed to journey with now in this season. A season that can be challenging to navigate but also beautiful to explore. I see the sparkle in our eyes as we sway our hips at concerts and the glitter of our Black Girl Magic dust shines brightly. I see our successes, but also the questions, the freedoms, but also the aches. The wondering if you’ve really got it all together that good, are you the woman you want to be in this decade, this moment, the exasperation of thinking where are the qualified men really at while you keep on deflecting the busters and the not-so-readys. I see our desire to use wisdom and make the best financial decisions as we fly solo, the lip gloss and eye shadow girl nights out, Nine West heels, and way fly pencil skirts, day trips and weekend getaways, cooking our meals, flexing our yoga poses, building our brands, running our miles, getting our dry cleaning, making our art, singing our songs, sewing our dresses, protecting our bodies, owning our time, setting our goals to fully engage in the whoness of us. Single don’t mean lonely. It just means solo.

Changes can be good, even though they are hard.

Solo can be good, even if it feels scary.
That’s what makes the adventure really come alive.

Written by Melody L. Copenny
© April 28, 2011, September 10, 2016

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Why Summer Crushes Are Good (And If They Want To Extend Past Fall, Well…)

I have a special affinity for R&B singers and track and field stars. Specifically one named Maxwell and one named Justin.

Maxwell released a new album this summer with a delicious song that’s inspired its very own hashtag on my Instagram in honor of him: #MaxwellIWantALakeByTheOcean.

I been crushing on Maxwell since 1997, when my curious ears laid hold of “Ascension.” I knew this voice and his melodies announced something very special and inspiring had entered what had been a predictable and commercial-driven music industry.

I was so enamored with this man and the new musical chapters he was writing for neo-soul and R&B that when I became a Christian two years later, I let go of his music because it was too much of a competition with my growing faith. I felt like I couldn’t love his music and still focus on God. Which was understandable. 20 year-old humans and our decision making. What a riot.

Time and maturity gave way to a deeper faith walk with God and eventually the wisdom to see I can enjoy music beyond my spiritual journey. Music that’s also deeply connected to my culture and journey as a black woman who loves and lives in the rhythms of soul.

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17 years later I’m back in the saddle with my Maxwell crushing escapades. Got to see him live in concert in August when he came to Orlando. SO GOOD was he!!!  This man’s voice is just amazing. And it just keeps getting better with time! Like a dang-on good behind wine! And he dances like nobody is watching him. And his suits and swag are some kind of wonderful.

Maxwell was my summer crush. He’s also my fall crush. He’ll likely be my winter, my spring and my next summer crush too.

I think crushes are good. They remind us that our hearts and souls are in good working order. And our eyesight is on point. Because liking what you see physically in someone is awesome.

Another crush popped up this summer. He’s also my fall, winter, and likely will be spring and next summer crush too. He’s one of the best track and field sprinters in US history: Justin Gatlin. Let’s just keep it real and let me be fully transparent: This man is fine. Good have to the mercy, oh my goodness. God knows if the man at the focus of my booship chronicles looked anything like Justin I would be in a mess…of HAPPY!!!

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Being that running is one my hobbies, and the summer 2016 Olympics in Rio became a very important addition to my world in August, I like Justin Gatlin. A lot. He’s also inspired an original hashtag: #JustinGatlinCanRunWithMeAnyDay.

When one of my Black Girls Run sisters learned how much I’d begun crushing on him, she happily informed me that he lives right outside Orlando and trains here. My immediate response: “Whaaaaaaattttttttt!!!!!!!!!! We need a #BGRFieldTrip ! C’mon somebody!”

If somebody was willing to encourage my crazy, I would organize this hilarity.

And if I met Justin, I would tell him a few things about Rio:

I’d tell him what really stood out to me was his heart and gracious perspective immediately after the men’s 4×100 relay when he learned of his team’s disqualification and that the US would not be receiving the bronze.

I’d tell him he responded incredibly well in the face of unexpected disappointment.

It was an honorable way to handle loss.

And his perspective teaches others lessons about competition in the moments when you won’t get the medal and accolades. Strength and character really rise when we don’t win but choose to grow from our losses.

Justin’s had a good share of hard moments in his track career. But he keeps showing up to his life and stepping up to his challenges.

Life needs to teach us these things. The hard and the rocky. The good and the beautiful.

So, I’d give him my words.

And I’d also tell him he looks real good in his running shorts.

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Finding Me Truth #9: Weakness is Exactly What You Need

​But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12: 9,10

Truth. 

What if we considered limitations and disappointments our strongest moments? Failure and weakness remind us we’re not in control. We don’t have power. 

But God does. And he desires to put that power to work in us, especially in our most powerless moments. It’s in those moments that we can see how badly we really need him and choose to surrender to his plans and wrap ourselves in his fortitude.

Counter the culture, weakness is exactly what you need to experience the presence and nearness of God. Weakness beckons and invites him to meet you exactly where you are and be a present help in your time of neediness.

Embrace your weaknesses. Express your neediness. Ask God to enter into them with you. In them precious victories await because of God. Hope in him never disappoints.

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We Need Rescue

James. Randy. Brian. Cedric. Jason. Quinton. These are the names of men I love. Men who are my father. My uncle. My cousins who are like brothers. My brother. Men whose blood and love runs through my veins. Men who are my family. Men who are black.

My daddy left this earth 11 years ago. The others have found a way to thrive here.

It’s hard to survive on this earth and it takes just about a pure genius to thrive here.

One day I hope to marry a black man and one day I just may have a black son. I haven’t even met them yet and I worry about the trauma and loss that can come with their blackness when it’s hard to survive on this earth.

The type of trauma and loss the families and friends of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile are walking through like a steel fog that refuses to lift.

It’s hard to survive on this earth. It’s hard to survive on this earth.

And it takes just about a pure genius to thrive here.

I want to believe the sheer weight of humanity means something today in 2016. I want to believe that we can be more intentional to preserve life. I want to believe.

The city of Dallas is rocked this morning by deep grief and inconsolable tragedy. Five police officers are dead and several more injured along with two civilians, ambushed by a shooter who “said he wanted to kill white people – especially white officers,” because he was upset about recent police shootings.

AtlantaMy mother spent nearly 30 years of her life serving as a civilian employee with the City of Atlanta’s Police Department. She assisted heads of police, loved and encouraged the officers and absorbed the losses of those killed in the line of duty as if they were our own family.

Black people, blue uniforms, we all have the common gift of hearts that beat and blood that moves through our bodies. Humanity ties us together.

But the loss of human life in these recent incidents feels insurmountable. Their heartbeats no longer beat and they were valuable. The people they beat inside of were valuable. People made in the image of God, with purpose. People woven into the story He’s written for this world.

Race is the conduit through which much pain and offense channels its way into our lives. This struggle is bigger than race. The very nature of our souls is the conversation topic on this table.

Souls that get blinded and lose heart. Souls that don’t detect and remember another person’s humanity. Souls that need rescue.

We all need rescue. God is the only one who can bring us out of this.

It’s hard to survive on this earth. It’s hard to survive on this earth.

And it takes just about a pure genius to thrive here.

In this difficult time in our nation, I invite you to mourn with those who mourn, with the families and friends left in the wake of these deaths. A heart-wrenching journey the loved ones of Christina Grimmie and the Pulse victims continue to walk through. An agonizing journey the loved ones of Lane Graves are experiencing because he was lost too.

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Lament with sorrow for the overwhelming loss of life in these shootings. Life is a gift God gives us.

Lament with sorrow for the tension and pain existing between communities of color and law enforcement. Decades of distrust and injustices keep people on the offense on both sides.

Lament with sorrow for the hate and bitterness that led human beings to take the lives of other human beings.

Lament with sorrow that left to our own devices humanity has no hope in this world.

Turn your lament into thanksgiving that God is our hope. He works through the details in disasters to redeem, restore, and heal.

Keep praying.

It’s hard to survive on this earth. It’s hard to survive on this earth.

And it takes just about a pure genius to thrive here.

For my black brothers, I see you. Don’t lose heart even though you have every plausible reason to. I want things to be different for you. I want you to be safe. I want you to be safe. 

For my black sisters, I feel you. We’re scared for the black men and boys in our lives and we’re tired of mourning the ones we lose. There’s a special fortitude in our DNA. Maybe God placed that in us for times such as these. 

For my non-black friends who stay in this heaviness with us as if this grief were your own, thank you. Thank you for really viewing this through lenses that push you beyond your own experience and beckon you to enter the black narratives we’ve been writing about our story for hundreds of years. The narratives that yell in bitterness and sorrow, ” This IS what is happening to us! Do you see US?”

For my non-black friends who don’t understand what’s happening in your news feeds on social media and why many of your black friends are angry, choose to enter into this with us. Choose to be willing to understand. Read the news. And not just the news you know. 

Think about your father, your uncle, your cousins, your brother. Make it personal to you and then you can see why it’s personal to us.

#AltonSterling #PhilandoCastile #DallasPoliceOfficers 

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Floss The Teeth You Want To Keep

You schedule a dentist appointment. Then the days wind down to that either dreadful or anticipated day, depending on how you view dental visits. I like to put in extra effort on my teeth the morning I head to the dentist. As if my extra brushing and flossing is going to take away all the dark chocolate I ate months prior.

What hilarity.

When I was younger, a dental hygienist told me, “floss the teeth you want to keep” and showed me how to properly floss my teeth and go under my gums. Her words stuck with me. They make me think about the intention that’s needed to keep healthy things in our lives moving at a constant pace.

What if I applied the same set of words to my writing, running, and relationships?

Write the words you want to keep.

Run the miles you want to keep.

Invest in the relationships you need to keep.

FlossI think the “need” in relationships challenges me. It’s easy for me to be intentional about the relationships I want. The ones I need are a little different. I don’t always see my need for them, likely because I don’t want them. Especially if the work it takes to do them is hard. And relationships are just hard sometimes.

Relationships are these glorious personal mirrors God uses to show me who I am. Sometimes I love these mirrors. What I see blesses me in the life and connection I experience with people who want to know me.

Other times I don’t want to look at the mirrors. They show my disappointments in people. They show me “me.” I don’t want to look at the hard and the difficult when relationships don’t work out. When they stall out. Even when they die.

But the mirrors are good and they are necessary. I need to see myself, what I bring to situations that’s good and what I bring that ain’t so good. And I need to be willing to let go of stuff that won’t help me invest well in the relationships I want and the relationships I need to keep.

How do you need to “floss” in your life this week?