Living – Page 6 – Finding Melodie

There are moments when you look at your body in the mirror and you say:

Hey, I look different.

It’s a moment when your head self connects with your eye self and everything changes. Something happens inside your soul and you recognize:

This is who I am and I am grateful for the me I am.

I am grateful for the me I am becoming.

I am grateful for the me I used to be, because she taught me things I needed to know, I needed to learn so I could grow.

Two weeks ago such a moment happened to me. Got dressed for work and decided to put on a new top and some basic black capris pants and get things moving. Clothes fit great. My natural hair was on fleek. I felt really good. I happened to glance in the mirror as I tied my shirt and I saw someone I knew and thought was really beautiful: Me.

I knew in my gut this was a moment to capture in a photo because I needed to see myself the way I truly was, not how I thought I was or who I thought I looked like in my mind. I’m engaged in a fitness and health journey that’s now six years in the making and over that time I’ve seen my body change, get stronger, and get leaner. But sometimes I still see the girl who was very much overweight and unhealthy. Photos gently remind me that girl isn’t here anymore.

I pulled out my phone, snapped a shot and did what all social media enthusiasts do: I posted it on my Instagram, Twitter and Facebook accounts. Stellar social media woman I am.

In life we have the gift of living as our true authentic and beautiful selves. Living means we show up to our lives and we commit to being in them all the way.

Being true means we see the beauty in us and the deficits. We choose to grow and pursue healing and freedom so we can get the most mileage out of these bodies, these gifts and these snazzy personalities that have intentionally been placed in us.

Being authentic means we don’t hide. We don’t hide from who we are. We don’t hide from who we used to be. We choose to be real over being fake and we choose to live instead of almost living. We invite people into the gift of who we are authentically, intentionally and honestly so that incredible friendships and relationships can blossom out of us.

Being beautiful means we see ourselves for ourselves. Who we are right now, this minute, right here. Beauty isn’t perfection or the lack a little jiggle here and there. Beauty starts in the innermost, deepest parts of who we are and infiltrates out through our eyes, smiles, laughter, voices, personalities and so much more until the inner weaves itself indelibly to the outer.

The world often says the outer parts of people are beautiful. I believe that outer starts with the inner. That’s where the true roots for beauty lie, in the soul.

How do you see yourself?

How do you feel about living authentically?

What’s in your soul? Does beauty have a home there?

How do you grieve and mourn the losses that don’t seem very tangible? I think I wrestled with this question following the resignation of my former pastor. I knew there was a loss, I knew it was significant but I didn’t know what was the reasonable response to the loss.

Like many in my church family upon hearing the news of the resignation and why he left, my initial response was shock, hurt, pain and questions. Tears flowed quickly during the service where members of our church’s elders team and leadership team explained the situation and their heartfelt pain for our church family.

But they also communicated God’s hand was still upon Discovery Church and that he would help us heal as we walked this journey together. The journey for me included feelings about what had happened and questions that stung:

What do you do when those you respect and love stumble into moral failure?

How does a church move forward in finding a new shepherd?

How do I process my feelings about God in the midst of this?

As I look back on the spring of 2013 and the months that followed I see the hardship, fears and grief that many in the Discovery family walked through. I also see the faith, healing and grace that blossomed as we allowed ourselves to grieve and mourn that which was lost.

When you allow yourself to grieve you create space to connect to what has hurt you, damaged you, even changed you. When you allow yourself to mourn you give your soul permission to express your grief, you sob through it, you ache because of it, you allow the emotions in you to come out of you. You mourn, you acknowledge, and you vulnerably embrace the pain and loss. When this occurs authentic healing can take place.

The two significant emotions I experienced in the loss of my former shepherd were shock and feeling deceived. I felt shock because this was something I never imagined I could experience in the community I was part of. Not that we were immune. But the news completely blindsided me and the shock was impactful. I also felt deceived. My mind wrestled with the two lives my former shepherd lived – the pastor part of him and the hidden part of him. My heart felt anger and sadness at his actions. These feelings needed to come so that I could grieve them, feel them and acknowledge how I hurt.

Through this loss I learned that God is faithful to us even when we as people are unable to be. Discovery Church would always be his church and his immense love for his people would never change.

There’s a quote by author Sally Lloyd-Jones that reminds me of the great love God has for the people in this world: “…all the stars and the mountains and oceans and galaxies and everything were nothing compared to how much God loved his children. He would move heaven and earth to be near them. Always. Whatever happened, whatever it cost him, he would always love them…with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.”

Through this loss I’ve learned that the church is not perfect but in her weaknesses the propensity for God’s strength to be made perfect is priceless. There is no perfection in church as there is no perfection in the world around us. Human brokenness thrives on this planet. None of us are immune to it.

What I see in the church is a gathering of people with their own fractured stories, drawn together because of love for an incredible God and a desire to grow in spiritual community that will change them for the better.

I’m in authentic community right now with a small group of women at Discovery. We’re in our late 20s, 30s and beyond. We love God and we love growing together. We talk about life, we get real, we laugh, and we love to have taco salad fiestas, get froyo together, and hold backwards party socials. We talk about deep things rooted in our hearts, hardships that are stretching us and we trust the Lord together for better days to come.

These women are helping me heal. They are helping me become more human in my losses and my triumphs. They’ve grieved and mourned with me and now they’re showing me how to live again in the life and joy we share in authentic community.

Do you have community in your life?

Are you known and understood by others who care about you as a person?

If you do how is your community changing your life? If you don’t how can you pursue community in your life?

Category: Living

Self Realization

My Shepherd Said Goodbye (Pt. 3)